Prairie Dog Blog

My emotional state seems to be getting worse instead of better. I cry more often, longer and louder. Although, so far it's mostly at home. Evenings are the worst. Poor Suzie. Every time I cry she goes to the bedroom and lies down on her bed. It seems that everywhere I go and everything I do reminds me of him. I guess it will for some time. And, of course, next Friday would have been our 39th wedding anniversary. I plan to go to the Western Canada Aviation Museum and watch one of Dennis' favourite comedies. But I need to think of a ceremony or rite to go through. So far, I haven't been able to think of anything. Someone told me a friend who lost a child would go to a place where the child was happy and release a bunch of helium balloons on her birthday. I feel a need to do something to mark the day, but I'm stumped. I don't think I should go to the air museum and release some balloons. It might create a navigation hazard for planes and who knows what airport security might do. I don't want to be remembering every year on Feb. 17 that I was arrested. If I go to a restaurant we enjoyed, that will be too sad. The only other place I can think of where we were both happy is Gimli. Maybe I can go there and release some balloons. It's a thought.

I subbed on Wednesday afternoon and all day Thursday. It's enough to get me out of the house and away from the memories for a break. Last night I went to the humanist executive meeting. Today I'm going for lunch with my friend, Diana. I seem to always cry when I go for lunch with a friend. It will be nice when I don't have to cry anymore. I just feel so fragile. Gail told me she still cries after 5 years. A friend said to her two years after her husband's death, "You should be over it by now." How insensitive. I will never be "over it." But I think in time the sharp edges of the sorrow will be worn off.

Yesterday was my son-in-law's birthday. They went out for dinner. I am looking forward to seeing them again. I miss the hugs. Happy Birthday, Joel.

I decided to take next week off. I have to take the car in for a new muffler. And I just want to do more organizing here and take some stuff to second-hand places. What a pack rat. The basement is crammed with boxes and unusable furniture. I'm planning to have a yard sale in May. Diana said she will help me with it. It's great to have friends.

It's so curious: one can resist tears and 'behave' very well in the hardest hours of grief. But then someone makes you a friendly sign behind a window, or one notices that a flower that was in bud only yesterday has suddenly blossomed, or a letter slips from a drawer... and everything collapses. ~Colette