2006/02/06
Laughing and Crying
Here it is about 12:30 early on Monday morning. The wee, small hours of the morning. Sunday was a bad day. I've been weepy off and on all day - I don't know quite why. Every thing I did reminded me of him. We used to do everything together on a Sunday. We would have a bacon and egg brunch and do the Sunday New York Times Crossword together. Get on the computers for a while, sometimes take the dog for a walk. Sunday was our favourite day. Maybe it's been a hard day because it's two months ago that I took him in to the hospital for the last time. I know grief doesn't follow any logical sequence and it will come and go. Today it's here with a vengeance. I will have to live the rest of my life without him and it's so hard to know that.
I just finished watching an old video. It goes all the way back to when we met. 1965. God, he was so handsome. No wonder I fell head over heels. That smile was devastating. Then I saw Nana and Papa's 50th anniversary. 1989. I laughed. I cried. Then I laughed some more. He was so funny and so full of life. Then The Home Shopping Channel a la Margot. At the age of 11 - she sure inherited her dad's intelligence and sense of humor. I am so glad of that. I look forward to watching it again with her. I even watched an old video of my family when I was 12 or 13. My mom was there, and my brother Gordie. We had such good times. My mother was so funny hamming it up for the camera. So many people I loved are gone.
Loss and grief and pain are the price we pay for loving so much. Even if I had known about this pain, I would have still loved him. I wouldn't have changed anything. It was worth it to have loved him for forty years.
Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold. Zelda Fitzgerald
Laughing and Crying
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I just finished watching an old video. It goes all the way back to when we met. 1965. God, he was so handsome. No wonder I fell head over heels. That smile was devastating. Then I saw Nana and Papa's 50th anniversary. 1989. I laughed. I cried. Then I laughed some more. He was so funny and so full of life. Then The Home Shopping Channel a la Margot. At the age of 11 - she sure inherited her dad's intelligence and sense of humor. I am so glad of that. I look forward to watching it again with her. I even watched an old video of my family when I was 12 or 13. My mom was there, and my brother Gordie. We had such good times. My mother was so funny hamming it up for the camera. So many people I loved are gone.
Loss and grief and pain are the price we pay for loving so much. Even if I had known about this pain, I would have still loved him. I wouldn't have changed anything. It was worth it to have loved him for forty years.
Nobody has ever measured, not even poets, how much the heart can hold. Zelda Fitzgerald
Laughing and Crying
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